Many people recognize that they are jealous, or are capable to feel jealousy.
Many others don’t.
The basic question –I think— is why to be jealous? And what kind of jealousy is it there?
For me, jealousy is a clear manifestation of a lack of confidence. First of all, a lack of confidence in oneself. And then, lack of confidence in another person.
Sometimes jealousy could be reduced to envy.
A woman could think: why is it that despite the fact that I dress well, wear fashionable shoes and make up properly, they look at her and not at me?
Why a fellow worker receives a step increase in his/her salary and not me if we do the same work and I am sure I do it very well…why they allowed someone to have a trip to Paris to work there during a certain activity and not me?
From the speculations about a possible friendship between the fellow worker and the boss to the political support of the benefited employee, there is a whole scale of possible "explanations" that end in the fact that the fellow worker is a privileged and me, a miserable.
Sometimes, there are still some situations that are not fair, but every time less, because there is the possibility to complain or appeal a decision and be listened to.
I sum up those kinds of situations as just envy, not jealousy.
But we have to consider the other and most common form of jealousy: the one that happens among couples.
I tend to think –and if I am wrong please correct me—that women are more jealous than men.
This happens because traditionally men were the ones that left the home to work while the woman stayed at home.
But this mostly belongs to the past. Today women compete with men. They leave their homes and go out to work. They are professionals, they are artists, they are entrepreneurs, etc.
And because of that, because that contact they have with society, men also could become jealous.
The possibilities are 50-50 that a woman, equally to a man, could find someone that attracts her to the point to feel attached at a certain level with that person.
That woman could find that such a person has qualities her husband lacks. Maybe he is romantic, he writes poems, sends flowers, and above all, he loves to listen to her and to have a substantial dialog.
Imagine, for example, a woman who is a doctor or a nurse, working in the environment of a hospital.
If she is nice and good-looking, there will be more than a companion that will suggest to her that he likes her, that could have some personal courtesies, and that maybe would try to conquer her.
The other aspect is how intense, complete, and satisfying for the couple is their intimacy. If it is not, then, the possibility that each one of them could look for a partner that is capable to do things and to make him or her feel good and totally pleased is great.
Of course, a situation like this will at any moment explode into a great confrontation and discussion. If they proceed with honesty and speak the truth trying sincerely to understand the other, and there is still love, it is possible to overcome the situation. If not, there would be a permanent tension that could explode at any moment.
The situation gets more complicated if there are children in the middle. They see and hear their parents discussing and it won't surprise their mother if the older of them asks her one day: “are you going to divorce from my father?”
Sad as the situation could become, it is wise to deal with it as it is, not with lies that make it worse, but with the truth, and with sincerity.
With calm, having a real dialog, dealing with different aspects of the life of the couple, to search honestly if it is possible to make changes that really could improve it substantially. There would follow a trial period, in which the couple will verify if the changes they talked about before are implemented, and above all, if they now feel complete, satisfied, and in peace.
If that happens, it will be a case solved.
Otherwise, in my opinion, the best thing to do is to put an end to that relationship, get a divorce, and open the doors for a new different and stable situation.
To continue lying is not intelligent and, in the end, worsens the relationship. To leave someone that is out of the couple, and say that such a relationship has ended, only to start months later with another person, is simply deplorable. And it unquestionably means that the person in the couple that behaves like that does not deserve any more to be trusted and to be living with his/her partner.
But going back to the essential matter dealing here, jealousy is sometimes the fruit of an exaggerated and possessive way to love someone, where there could be no real reasons to suspect about anything; or there are certain attitudes, activities, absences of one part of the couple, that raise suspicions about what is going on.
Dialog, honest, clear, and total is the starting point for a possible solution.
So be it!
Milton W. Hourcade
No comments:
Post a Comment